…and perhaps it ends here

        

Though devastating, it had been quite an enriching journey. The experiences I’ve got are priceless and it certainly hurts when you sense, the end has come. More or less I knew what was coming but, never dared to calculate the consequences. So now I stand in the middle of no where knowing whatever happening is right, yet unable to accept. Walking in the streets with a heavy weight now seems easier than with a heavy heart. Never did I anticipate that I have to stretch every fibre of my muscle, drain each drop of my strength just to bind myself as a whole. Never before I felt what it is like, to tear yourself apart. No longer I agree on what I say…or say what I agree…whatever. The more than two year long emotional odyssey is now at the verge of its end and I’ve now become a spectator from a participant.

---

   I never easily allow anyone to come close to my invisible, emotionally tender circle. And to a girl…NOOO…Please. But she has been an exception from the beginning. The expertise she showed in handling my delicacy that I never thought twice before opening myself up page by page, not just events but emotions; and I haven’t regretted the decision. The following was the best part of my life I’ve experienced so far. She made me experience the feelings that I earlier thought myself incapable of. I laughed, I cried, I smiled, I frowned but every emotion has become pleasant. I started discovering a finer-better-energetic me within. I never attempted naming this new relation as there was none that wouldn’t fit in her. She was diverse yet unique, magnificent yet humble, simple yet elegant. She was condensed love. I put her in my rarest list of ‘want to be like’ personalities. Everything has been so good that I couldn’t ask more. But all this while I avoided one thing that I always do. Predicting the future. I was too involved in present.

   No one wants to live alone in this world. She has to choose someone and of course I was not in the list. But that never really bothered me. I occasionally resisted a sense of melting down. And slowly that happened what has to happen. A boy and a girl are never meant to be just friends(I still find friend to be insufficient, close but insufficient). At least not everyone thinks so, if not me. And she started unbuilding her own creation in me. Brick by brick shattering the walls. I hopelessly, desperately wanted to mend, but she’s always been in control. At this point I stand in a position not knowing what to do or say, rather what to think even.

Why did you do this? Was it unavoidable? Or you were too concerned in saving your tomorrow that you never did saw how black mine is becoming? Have I been so insignificant in your perspective throughout or you just realized it later?   I never wanted to interfere your life, I wanted to be a part of it. But I guess, these are not mutually exclusive. They come in the same package. You said you need me and will never leave me so easily but you gave up in the 1st barrier I put up to check if I’m a burden or you really need me. All this time you wanted to get rid of me and this gave you a perfect opportunity to put the blame on me. I know what will be your response. “Whatever you do is right. I want to help you in it.” Haven’t you realized so far that I intentionally do the wrong things just to get it corrected?

I know you have done what was right. You have done too much for me. The belongingness you showed, made me think otherwise. The senses you have awakened in me were immense. You have made my world broader. What I gained with you would be the capital for the rest of my life. I shouldn’t be greedy.   I understand the emotional turmoil you are going through and never wanted to be an extra burden. You have too many problems of your own and mine is too insignificant to be taken care now. Leaving me would have been painful to you, so I took the initiative. I’m not sure if anyone else will love you as much but, I certainly won’t be able to replicate my emotions to the fullest, again.

     So what now? It’s taking time to make me realize that her part in my life is over. They say time heals everything. But so far ‘time’ has not been so considerate to me. May be time doesn’t have time for me to heal, like everyone else, like her. As I said, I’m now a spectator, pretending to be unaffected and stable. The end may not have been graceful, but the journey was. I think the gain has been more than the loss but still couldn’t justify it. This is where I’m in my journey now and perhaps it ends here.